Sometimes, I think it would be better if I don't get better. If you see what I mean? I don't want to be fat. I think that constantly. Constantly.
But then that's simultaneously the problem and the answer. I will not get better until I get 'fat' and then learn that I am not fat.
If you see what I mean?!
When I get better, however, there are things that I won't miss.
I won't miss watering down orange juice. Or milk.
And I won't miss dreading Christmas because Christmas means, almost certainly, eating at every point of every day.
I won't miss having to say no whenever anyone offers me any food.
And I can't wait to have proper hot chocolate again.
What I want most is for the feeling of all encompassing guilt to disappear. Because eating is what people do. It's not something that I don't deserve.
The best thing is to get better.
Ah yes, you WILL get better, Kate, and I'm so pleased to see that you are thinking in those positive terms!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about part of you not wanting to get better. Oh, I so understand that. There is a part of some illnesses that feel like safe places sometimes. But, that's when it's important to think about all that the illness has taken away from you and use that to motivate you to work hard to move forward. Because let's face it, illnesses like OCD or eating disorders ALWAYS take more away from us than they give. And we sure deserve better than that.