I've written a million blog posts about my insanity before today...and then usually deleted them a couple of months later.
For someone who's supposedly so accepting of mental illness, I don't tolerate my own very well.
For a start, I've told my friends lots of things about me - I talked to them before (and after) the first time I had sex, and we talk about periods and all sorts of internal women issues. But never my mental health.
Am I embarrassed? I don't know. I want to tell them. Sometimes I want them to know the one piece of information which will 'unlock' me to them. I think I'm only complete if you know about my OCD. Which is, after all, one of the things which makes me who I am.
But it's like being naked in front of people. Dropping away those knickers to reveal a lot of anxiety and compulsions and all sorts of messy intrusive thoughts.
I guess I don't want them to run away. Rational Brain says, 'They won't run away. Why would they run away?', but then I remember that Rational Brain has been living with my insanity for a number of years and has just got used to the whole business. Friends might see it differently.
I don't know unless I tell them, but I can't tell them unless I know. Like everything else in the world of mental health, it's difficult.
So, I want to tell them. A quick Google reveals that it's better to choose one friend who you really, really trust and tell them first. But then I'm not sure if this is a good idea: the friend who I'm closest to is also the one person I really wouldn't want to - couldn't bear to - lose. Maybe if I told someone I didn't know so well? But then could I trust them?
Oh, I don't know.
And so it remains: I am by myself on this one until I can grow some balls.
Yours ObviouslyCompletelyDerangedly x