A Million Blog Posts

I've written a million blog posts about my insanity before today...and then usually deleted them a couple of months later.

For someone who's supposedly so accepting of mental illness, I don't tolerate my own very well.

For a start, I've told my friends lots of things about me - I talked to them before (and after) the first time I had sex, and we talk about periods and all sorts of internal women issues.  But never my mental health.

Am I embarrassed?  I don't know.  I want to tell them.  Sometimes I want them to know the one piece of information which will 'unlock' me to them.  I think I'm only complete if you know about my OCD.  Which is,  after all, one of the things which makes me who I am.

But it's like being naked in front of people.  Dropping away those knickers to reveal a lot of anxiety and compulsions and all sorts of messy intrusive thoughts.

I guess I don't want them to run away.  Rational Brain says, 'They won't run away.  Why would they run away?', but then I remember that Rational Brain has been living with my insanity for a number of years and has just got used to the whole business.  Friends might see it differently.

I don't know unless I tell them, but I can't tell them unless I know.  Like everything else in the world of mental health, it's difficult.

So, I want to tell them.  A quick Google reveals that it's better to choose one friend who you really, really trust and tell them first.  But then I'm not sure if this is a good idea: the friend who I'm closest to is also the one person I really wouldn't want to - couldn't bear to - lose.  Maybe if I told someone I didn't know so well?  But then could I trust them?

Oh, I don't know.

And so it remains: I am by myself on this one until I can grow some balls.

Yours ObviouslyCompletelyDerangedly x