I can't work out whether this is normal, or whether this is something else I need to be worried about. I mean, I knew I was going to say it, and I knew that I was talking to myself - albeit the irrational part of me - but is it abnormal? Is talking to myself outside the normal parameters of OCD?
I was in the bathroom and I wanted to wash my face but - apparently - this wasn't what was going to happen. Apparently washing my face was going to have all sorts of terrible consequences. I just wanted to wash my face. I was in a rush. I find it so frustrating that everyone else in the world can just go to the bathroom and do what they want to, but I have to go through a huge rigmarole before I can even get to that point and even something so simple as washing is filled with guilt and doubt and anxiety.
In other news, my Grandfather is in hospital, and more poorly than he's been for a very long time, for no apparent reason. This worries me, but it's a measured amount so I'm coping. My little sister has given up University and come home for this year, since her illness proved to be too much to cope with on top of work and living away from home for the first time. This worries me: my OCD cycle has been based around her for quite some time now, and I was enjoying the freedom of not living with her. I'm not quite sure I want to go back there, but not quite sure how I can prevent it, or change how I feel around her.
In other news, my Grandfather is in hospital, and more poorly than he's been for a very long time, for no apparent reason. This worries me, but it's a measured amount so I'm coping. My little sister has given up University and come home for this year, since her illness proved to be too much to cope with on top of work and living away from home for the first time. This worries me: my OCD cycle has been based around her for quite some time now, and I was enjoying the freedom of not living with her. I'm not quite sure I want to go back there, but not quite sure how I can prevent it, or change how I feel around her.
However, other things have been better this week: there have been times when I have been happy and times when I can honestly say I haven't been noticeably, stomach-churningly, anxious. Which, I think, is massive progress. I'm still miles away from where I was at the end of the summer term, but I think I'm going to get back there. I hope I'm going to get back there.
So I shan't complain (too much!)...
I have found myself on a couple of occasions being so frustrated that I have spoken aloud too. Don't know if it is normal but I have never really worried about it because it has not progressed to where I am shouting things out for no reason..if that happened I would be really worried. Like you, I wish I could do things like other people without so much thought or planning and bathrooms or anything to do with hygiene are hard for me as I tend to need to do it in an exact way or I feel it wasn't done correctly. ugh.
ReplyDeleteI often repeat words or phrases alound to myself in a low whispery voice. It's almost like the thoughts get to loud in my head and they leak out. I catch myself than think: "Woa.... quiet down, crazy!"
ReplyDeleteSorry about your Grandpa.
I hope you can adjust to your sister living with you again.
Thankyou, both of you, so much! It's so reassuring to know that I'm not going mad (or any more mad!).
ReplyDelete