Do I want it? Do I need it?
When I was seventeen, I began a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, after being referred (grudgingly, because apparently 'everyone' has varying degrees of OCD. My GP has never believed in it.) by my doctor. At that point, my compulsions were about the same as they'd been since I'd settled down at Secondary School. Not the worst they've ever been, but definitely present. I think I was just sick of having to put up with it morning, noon and night. I was bored.
The CBT itself was disastrous. My therapist wore a nasty brown cardigan and spent both sessions I attended telling me that I was 'very gifted' (I'm not). The highlight came when, on asking me how I saw myself, I replied, 'I think I'm quite empathetic.' and she said, 'Never call yourself pathetic; it's just not true.'.
I would have carried on, I think, because there is no other way for me to access CBT and also because she probably would have been able to teach me some techniques but, as is the way of the NHS, they suddenly decided to change the way access to counselling works in England, and my sessions were delayed by a year. By the time I was re-offered them, I was at a totally different stage in my life; going through a better patch with my OCD and tackling my final school exams, all of which left little time to be tackling compulsions and obsessions and intrusive thoughts.
My OCD, at the moment, is - I think - on a downwards spiral. For a while, I've been managing to limit myself to mental compulsions, but I had to take the stairs instead of getting in the lift at work and I had to walk back a couple of steps so I could get onto the pavement in the 'right' way this evening. I'm also developing a nasty intrusive thought about someone stabbing me when I get out of the lift at work, which is probably where the lift avoidance compulsion is coming from. After a horrific Autumn last year, I really don't want to go there again.
On one hand, I'd really love to go and tackle this thing once and for all. I'm fed up of it dominating my every thought and being scared of going on holiday in case I can't cope with the change in routine, and feeling like the odd one out amongst my friends because they're all 'normal'. I'm also ready, I think, to tackle it. I want to do it.
On the other hand, I'm not sure that I want to go back to the doctor's and talk to anyone about it. I hate talking about my OCD - writing about it is different somehow - and I don't like talking to people about either my obsessions and my compulsions. As I mentioned earlier, my doctor is most unsympathetic and doesn't really appear to believe that OCD exists. I also don't think there's much point being referred back to the same counsellor as before.
So, my question is this: do I go and ask for more CBT? And, if so, how?