Other Ramblings...

Monday, 27 August 2012


I am driving in the car alone for the first time.

Four weeks ago, I passed my driving test, and I am therefore, legally, considered to be a safe driver and of a standard to be allowed on the road alone.

Why, therefore, is a voice in my head telling me that it'd be all too easy to swerve onto the other side of the road?  My hands are on the wheel, but what if I don't have any control over them?  What if I can't stop myself driving into the path of oncoming cars?

The same voice tells me that the people driving behind me are about to shop me to the police for dangerous driving,  For not being fit to be on the road.  Rationally, as far as I'm aware, I'm doing nothing wrong on a road I've driven down, with my parents by my side, a hundred times before.  Rationally, I know that I'm no worse than anyone else who has just passed their test.

The dilemma is this: do normal first-time drivers worry like this?  Do they want to pull over so that they don't harm the drivers coming towards them?  I know driving alone is supposed to be nerve-wracking, but are these thoughts normal, or are they intrusive?

I think that that's one of the things about being me which I find most difficult: which bits are normal teen angst and which bits are mental illness?  What is normal and what is not?

And what do I do about it?  Do I drive anyway, and hope that I don't do any of the things that my head says I'm going to, or do I never drive again, so that there's no way I can hurt anyone else?

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