Sorry I haven't updated in a while. No excuses, really...I'm obviously just getting lazy!
I'm still waiting for my referral to come through for counselling. It's been nearly six weeks now, and I'm getting fed up of waiting. I'm also worrying about the effect that being ill is having on my body; it can't be healthy to continue doing what I'm doing every day.
It is - yet again - the middle of the night, and I'm tired of having to make decisions for myself. In a perfect world, I would go for a walk with my family tomorrow morning, and I would have hot chocolate and cake when I get there. But this is not the perfect world, and so I am trying to decide whether it's best to have something for breakfast, and then go for the walk and not have anything to eat when we get there, or whether it would be better to not have anything for breakfast and allow myself something when we get there. Geoff doesn't want me to eat at all, but I'm trying so hard to fight him.
I think, in the end, I won't go, simply because I know that I'll either be too hungry to walk the two miles there, or I'll upset my family when we get there. There is no easy answer.
I'm physically tired as well. Tired of the fight all the time, and of thinking every move through so very carefully. I want to say yes when someone offers me cake, or crisps, or ice cream. And I want to be able to join in with things properly. I would love, more than anything, to be able to have a proper afternoon tea party for my birthday, but I'm just not going to be better in time.
I think that what I am most tired of is straining all my relationships. My sister and I hardly have a relationship at all anymore, although we were once best friends. I don't know what to say to her, and she tries to avoid me as much as possible. I think that she truly believes that I am doing this to myself. I am not doing this to myself. My two best friends are wonderful, amazing, lovely people but I hate doing this to them. I don't want them to have to sit and encourage me to eat every lunchtime, or to have to listen to me being anxious and upset and frightened when I've eaten something, or when I'm desperate to purge. It's just not fair.
There was a girl with anorexia on Casualty earlier. She said, 'If there was a pill, I'd take two.'.