Other Ramblings...

Friday, 28 September 2012

Things Which Are Wrong [Or] Today I Hate Myself.

I want to skip the track on iTunes.  Really badly.  That's the problem with having it on Shuffle; when I get to a track I don't like, I still have to listen to it in its entirety because OCD won't let me change it until it's finished.  It drives me mad.  What's going to happen if I do change the song prematurely?

Well, either nothing or my sister will be horrifically homesick at University; I won't have any friends next year; I'll make horrible mistakes at work and get fired...the list seems endless today.

Today, I guess, has been a bad day.  But that is because I am a jealous person, so I probably don't deserve to have a better day than that, anyway.

My sister is settling down at University, and today she has had a nice day, for probably the first time.  She is doing things by herself and has made new friends.  And I'm stuck here at home.  I wouldn't ever, ever, ever want her to have anything but an amazing time, because I love her to bits and more, but I wish, just sometimes, that it could be me going off to live in a new place and do new adventurous things.

I wish.

I don't want to go back to University.  I don't think I can do it.  It took me so long to get settled and make friends and I'm not sure I can do it again.  I know that I've been so incredibly lucky that there were people who were prepared to put up with me last year; I'm more grateful to them than they realise, I really am.

In case my sister ever happens upon this blog, it's not your fault and it's nothing to do with the way rational brain feels about you - I love you both very much and it makes me feel very happy that I have both of you in my life - I'm just sad that I am me sometimes.


  1. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It's easy to get caught up in negative thinking, I know. I do that, too, sometimes and wish my life was different. I hope you feel better soon.

  2. I can relate to this and I feel for you. You have to tell yourself that whether or not you skip a song or not has ZERO connection to anything at all.


  3. Oh, I'm sorry. Be kind to yourself. You are still going through the loss of having your sister with you at home on a daily basis. It will take some time to get used to it.

    Elizabeth is right - skipping a song will not hurt anyone or anything! It's just OCD.

  4. Thankyou, ladies, once again you've made me feel that there is [a sliver] of light at the end of the tunnel.

    I think I'd feel better if I didn't know - rationally - that skipping a song isn't going to change anything, but it makes me feel so stupid that I have such a mental block about it.

    I am knitting my feelings this afternoon...