Other Ramblings...

Friday 28 September 2012

Things Which Are Wrong [Or] Today I Hate Myself.

I want to skip the track on iTunes.  Really badly.  That's the problem with having it on Shuffle; when I get to a track I don't like, I still have to listen to it in its entirety because OCD won't let me change it until it's finished.  It drives me mad.  What's going to happen if I do change the song prematurely?

Well, either nothing or my sister will be horrifically homesick at University; I won't have any friends next year; I'll make horrible mistakes at work and get fired...the list seems endless today.

Today, I guess, has been a bad day.  But that is because I am a jealous person, so I probably don't deserve to have a better day than that, anyway.

My sister is settling down at University, and today she has had a nice day, for probably the first time.  She is doing things by herself and has made new friends.  And I'm stuck here at home.  I wouldn't ever, ever, ever want her to have anything but an amazing time, because I love her to bits and more, but I wish, just sometimes, that it could be me going off to live in a new place and do new adventurous things.

I wish.

I don't want to go back to University.  I don't think I can do it.  It took me so long to get settled and make friends and I'm not sure I can do it again.  I know that I've been so incredibly lucky that there were people who were prepared to put up with me last year; I'm more grateful to them than they realise, I really am.

In case my sister ever happens upon this blog, it's not your fault and it's nothing to do with the way rational brain feels about you - I love you both very much and it makes me feel very happy that I have both of you in my life - I'm just sad that I am me sometimes.

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It's easy to get caught up in negative thinking, I know. I do that, too, sometimes and wish my life was different. I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. I can relate to this and I feel for you. You have to tell yourself that whether or not you skip a song or not has ZERO connection to anything at all.

    Hugs.

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  3. Oh, I'm sorry. Be kind to yourself. You are still going through the loss of having your sister with you at home on a daily basis. It will take some time to get used to it.

    Elizabeth is right - skipping a song will not hurt anyone or anything! It's just OCD.

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  4. Thankyou, ladies, once again you've made me feel that there is [a sliver] of light at the end of the tunnel.

    I think I'd feel better if I didn't know - rationally - that skipping a song isn't going to change anything, but it makes me feel so stupid that I have such a mental block about it.

    I am knitting my feelings this afternoon...

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