Other Ramblings...

Friday, 28 December 2012


I had a lovely Christmas!  It doesn't usually happen in our house - I've lost count of the number of times we've spent it in A&E with Grandad, or cleaning Grandad's mattress.  It makes me sad that Grandad wasn't here to share Christmas with us this year, but - and does this sound really awful? - that the day was peaceful and fairly unstressful was quite nice for a change.

What isn't so lovely (and, yes, people, here she goes again!) is the constant anxiety around food and eating.  I just can't do it.  I sat looking at my plate during Christmas dinner feeling absolutely overwhelmed by the food I was meant to be eating.  One of the biggest problems I have when it comes to actually trying to make myself eat something is that I'm just not sure what size portion I should allow myself.  I've forgotten what's normal: I can't trust myself not to binge, but I also don't know how much I need to eat to make myself feel full.  I'm terrified of overfeeding myself, but I also can't remember what constitutes normal eating either.  

I really feel like I need someone to teach me how to eat normally.  It's just not something I can do any more.

I feel like I'm losing control on the binge/purge cycle as well.  Before, it was something I was able to be very strict about: I did it at work, and that was that.  I've never binged properly, but only because I'm terrified of eating anything, so my binges tend to consist of two bananas, or a couple of chocolates, rather than the massive eating-everything-in-the-kitchen binges that the media tend to write about.  Now, I find myself needing to purge more and more: after a mince pie on the way home from work; after eating my tea at home; when I've eaten some chocolate with my Granny.  I wanted so badly to purge after having a small tub of ice cream at the theatre this evening, but I think my Mum is too clever for me to get away with it...

I still haven't told them that I've been to the doctors' and been referred for counselling - it's something I'm going to have to do, because I don't want to lie to them the whole way through, but I just can't find the right time to bring it up.  Maybe when Christmas is over?

One last thing: thankyou to everyone who reads my blog - I passed 900 pageviews yesterday!  I know it sounds clichéd, but it does mean so much to me.  


  1. I'm glad you had a nice Christmas, Kate!

    I find there are SO many similarities between eating disorders and OCD. I think the way we look at life is very similar. I've had to re-learn how to do things in a non-OCD way too. Like how to take a shower and stuff like that, believe it or not. One of the ways I've re-taught myself is to look at other people (people that I trust of course). You could do the same with eating. Look at someone that has a healthy appetite towards eating, then try to emulate them. See how much they put on their plate, then try to duplicate it.

    Trying not to binge sounds like me trying to avoid doing a compulsion. It's extremely difficult, I know. One of the things I have learned is that I hve to learn to sit and accept the ugly feelings when I want to compulse - rather than trying to cover up the feelings by compulsing. Perhaps you may want to try that to when you feel the urge to binge - try really hard to fight it and ride out the ugly feelings until they pass - and believe me - eventually they WILL pass. It just takes time.

    Anyway, obviously, I'm no expert on anxiety disorders, but these were just some thoughts I had when reading your post. I'm so proud of you for going to the doctor! I know it's scary.

  2. I meant to say healthy "attitude" not appetite!

  3. Sunny...what you say makes so much sense! The thing is, I look at what other people eat, and Geoff says that they deserve to eat a normal diet and I don't. I also have this absurd belief that I put on weight twenty times more quickly than anyone else, and so I can't eat normal portion sizes. But when I'm a bit better, I think that watching what other people eat will be helpful indeed.

    Binging IS a compulsion, but I hadn't really thought about that until you wrote it. It feels exactly the same and, actually, when my eating disorder is worse, my OCD is better. Possibly because I am doing OCD-type things within it anyway.

    Thankyou so much for your incredibly positive post - it's nice to read something which is helpful and optimistic!