What isn't so lovely (and, yes, people, here she goes again!) is the constant anxiety around food and eating. I just can't do it. I sat looking at my plate during Christmas dinner feeling absolutely overwhelmed by the food I was meant to be eating. One of the biggest problems I have when it comes to actually trying to make myself eat something is that I'm just not sure what size portion I should allow myself. I've forgotten what's normal: I can't trust myself not to binge, but I also don't know how much I need to eat to make myself feel full. I'm terrified of overfeeding myself, but I also can't remember what constitutes normal eating either.
I really feel like I need someone to teach me how to eat normally. It's just not something I can do any more.
I feel like I'm losing control on the binge/purge cycle as well. Before, it was something I was able to be very strict about: I did it at work, and that was that. I've never binged properly, but only because I'm terrified of eating anything, so my binges tend to consist of two bananas, or a couple of chocolates, rather than the massive eating-everything-in-the-kitchen binges that the media tend to write about. Now, I find myself needing to purge more and more: after a mince pie on the way home from work; after eating my tea at home; when I've eaten some chocolate with my Granny. I wanted so badly to purge after having a small tub of ice cream at the theatre this evening, but I think my Mum is too clever for me to get away with it...
I still haven't told them that I've been to the doctors' and been referred for counselling - it's something I'm going to have to do, because I don't want to lie to them the whole way through, but I just can't find the right time to bring it up. Maybe when Christmas is over?
One last thing: thankyou to everyone who reads my blog - I passed 900 pageviews yesterday! I know it sounds clichéd, but it does mean so much to me.