Sometimes, I think it would be better if I don't get better. If you see what I mean? I don't want to be fat. I think that constantly. Constantly.
But then that's simultaneously the problem and the answer. I will not get better until I get 'fat' and then learn that I am not fat.
If you see what I mean?!
When I get better, however, there are things that I won't miss.
I won't miss watering down orange juice. Or milk.
And I won't miss dreading Christmas because Christmas means, almost certainly, eating at every point of every day.
I won't miss having to say no whenever anyone offers me any food.
And I can't wait to have proper hot chocolate again.
What I want most is for the feeling of all encompassing guilt to disappear. Because eating is what people do. It's not something that I don't deserve.
The best thing is to get better.